a Mother's job

It's really tough to raise 2 kids on your own. How would I explain to my 4-year old boy about death? His father passed away a month ago. And he kept on asking me when his dad is coming back. I would cry....yes...at night, when the kids are already sleeping. It's hard for me to live without my husband....I love him so much! We did a lot of things together....a lot of happy moments and pillow talk. And now that he's gone, I don't have nobody to talk to. And I feel this hatred, anger and sadness inside of me. Sometimes I even blame myself, for I wasn't there close to him "WHEN IT HAPPENED". I know that I need to fix a lot of things for my kids, so I have to be well for them. They need to be taken cared of and loved. I need to think well and feel well.

Living in Denial

Since my husband's death almost a month ago. I did a lot of things that I thought would heal my heart fast. I moved to my home country in 2 weeks time and started putting the kids back to school. I went to church to ease my burden, but I didn't feel like it was the right time to talk to Him. You would see me laugh, but as soon as I stopped laughing, I would feel really sad right away.
For 6 years that my husband and I has been together, we never had dull moments. We liked being together and doing things together all the time. Our friends can prove how we love each other. And now that he's gone, I am still in denial. Tears want to run down my eyes but I try not to cry anymore. And it hurts!!! It hurts not to cry. I'd still tell myself that this is a dream....a very bad dream!

No words can comfort me...

You might see me smile, hear me laugh and hear me say "I'm okay"...but I'm not.
I want to go to a place where I could scream and cry out loud....
I don't want to hear Christmas songs....
and I don't want my friends to hug me, because I know I'll burst into tears
I want my kids to see me strong in this kind of situation I am now
I'll find time to cry....
When?
I really have no idea
So my friends, please don't hug me....it just makes me feel weak.

If I had Known....

If I had known what's gonna happen tomorrow...
I could have stopped the time.
If I had known he won't be with me the next night...
I shouldn't have slept anymore.
If I had known that he wouldn't be with me this Christmas...
I could have told him to be with me every second and every minute.
If I had known what's gonna happen...
I could have changed a lot of things.
I could have turned back the hands of time
I could have told him how much I love him every second
I could have stayed awake all night
I could have talked to him longer
I could have touched him more
If I had known.....I could have changed the future.